The Show

After weeks (maybe months) of craziness and constant motion, I went on a long run this morning hoping to clear my head. This song came on before I was done with the second mile. I had to stop, I couldn't breathe through the tears that started to fall...

Slow it down

Make it stop

Or else my heart is going to pop

'Cause it's too much

Yeah, it's a lot

To be something I'm not

I've been so flattered when people tell me what an inspiration I've been, but I have to be honest in that I feel like such a fraud. The peace and equilibrium that running used to bring me isn't there anymore. So many weeks of letting the circumstances of life (sick kids and the usual obligations of parenting) have taken their toll. I feel back to where I was a year ago. Running hurts. I fell off of the Weight Watchers wagon months ago and the weight I've lost has almost entirely come back.

I am registered for a marathon in 3 weeks. In another country. I don't think I even have the words that can express the guilt I feel over the sacrifice that my family is making so that I can get away. I know that my husband wants me to feel the freedom of being on my own in a place that I love. I know that my family and friends wouldn't think this of me, but I feel disappointed in myself.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go

I can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why

As I was gasping for air through the tears this morning, I felt that I couldn't take one step further. I called my dear friend Liz, a rock of kindness, caring and common sense to help me through this emotional breakdown. Every woman should have a friend like Liz, who will have you over, even at 7am on a Sunday morning to nurse you back to mental health with a cup of coffee and sympathetic ear. The feeling of being overwhelmed is not a rare for mothers (or really anyone), but sometimes you need a friend to tell you that it's OK and necessary to say no to things and yes to taking care yourself. In this case, taking care of myself meant cutting back on the commitments and allowing myself the time to just snuggle with my boys on the couch.

My lovely friend Sam sent me a sweet email of encouragement this afternoon that brought tears to my eyes.  Sometimes seeing yourself through the mirror of your friends eyes is what you need to lift you out of the dark and low places where you find yourself.

I'm letting go of the expectations I had for myself and Italy.  I will go and enjoy the time to think.  The time to sit in a piazza with an espresso.  The time to play with my camera and capture images to bring home and share with my family...  And I will take the time to walk and sometimes jog through the Maratona di Roma and be OK with it.  When I return, mentally and emotionally refreshed, I will take a deep breath and start the journey again.

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared but I don't show it

I can't figure it out It's bringing me down I know

I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

dum de dum, da dum de dum

Just enjoy the show

Thank you, Liz and Sam... you remind me that I never have to go it alone

I am blessed to have you as my sisters :)

The Journey Continues...

I guess it is really happening. Airplane ticket purchased, passport renewal application sent yesterday... writing final check for lodging tonight...

I am going to Italy in March to run the Maratona di Roma, aka the Rome Marathon.

I never imagined that the Journey I started a year ago would lead to this. In the past year, since that fateful first half marathon in March 2011, I have run two 12K's,5 half marathons and 2 full marathons. I lost 38 pounds, regained 20. I've become closer friends with so many supportive, wonderful women runners who have encouraged me on this journey. I am blessed.

So I have a marathon to run in 68 days. My last race, the California International Marathon was just 38 days ago and during the holidays, I took that time off. A friend told me that I should consider that time a gift to myself- time to relax, time to recover. It was much needed time after the crazy Fall running schedule I put myself through (5 races in 8 weeks), but I am feeling it so very much now. Every run has been difficult... there has been much more walking than running, but I don't want to give up. I'd like to get back on the weight watchers wagon, I'd like to feel good about running in March. I just have to focus.

I got an email from Bart Yasso. We're not close (we're not even Facebook friends) and it was admittedly an email blast for the Runners World Challenge I am doing for the Big Sur Marathon in April, but he had a really good piece of advice that stuck with me...

"... at this stage, establishing a routine is nearly as important as the workouts you do. Take a look at your schedule to figure out the best time of day to run, and designate one day a week when you can routinely devote several hours to your long run."

Basic, right? But that is just what I need to do to get started again. When I was waking at 5:30 consistently to get my morning runs in, I was happy and becoming lighter and faster. So that is my attainable goal for the week... getting up early, getting out the door and just going out there- even if it ends up being more walking than running... I can't do it if I don't take that first step.

So thanks for joining me again on this journey. There will be many steps from here to Italy... it's so very nice of you to hold my hand.