Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm notI've been so flattered when people tell me what an inspiration I've been, but I have to be honest in that I feel like such a fraud. The peace and equilibrium that running used to bring me isn't there anymore. So many weeks of letting the circumstances of life (sick kids and the usual obligations of parenting) have taken their toll. I feel back to where I was a year ago. Running hurts. I fell off of the Weight Watchers wagon months ago and the weight I've lost has almost entirely come back.
I am registered for a marathon in 3 weeks. In another country. I don't think I even have the words that can express the guilt I feel over the sacrifice that my family is making so that I can get away. I know that my husband wants me to feel the freedom of being on my own in a place that I love. I know that my family and friends wouldn't think this of me, but I feel disappointed in myself.
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know whyAs I was gasping for air through the tears this morning, I felt that I couldn't take one step further. I called my dear friend Liz, a rock of kindness, caring and common sense to help me through this emotional breakdown. Every woman should have a friend like Liz, who will have you over, even at 7am on a Sunday morning to nurse you back to mental health with a cup of coffee and sympathetic ear. The feeling of being overwhelmed is not a rare for mothers (or really anyone), but sometimes you need a friend to tell you that it's OK and necessary to say no to things and yes to taking care yourself. In this case, taking care of myself meant cutting back on the commitments and allowing myself the time to just snuggle with my boys on the couch.
My lovely friend Sam sent me a sweet email of encouragement this afternoon that brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes seeing yourself through the mirror of your friends eyes is what you need to lift you out of the dark and low places where you find yourself.
I'm letting go of the expectations I had for myself and Italy. I will go and enjoy the time to think. The time to sit in a piazza with an espresso. The time to play with my camera and capture images to bring home and share with my family... And I will take the time to walk and sometimes jog through the Maratona di Roma and be OK with it. When I return, mentally and emotionally refreshed, I will take a deep breath and start the journey again.
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show
dum de dum, da dum de dum
Just enjoy the show
Thank you, Liz and Sam... you remind me that I never have to go it alone
I am blessed to have you as my sisters :)